What to do if you are not ready for pregnancy. Unplanned pregnancy: “I was not ready, but I managed it”
Thoughts often hover in my head: “I’m not ready”, “why”, “this is too much responsibility”, “I want to go home to my parents”, “I’m tired”. These are the most frequent thoughts that come to my mind every day. I try to cope and I can handle it, and I am not ashamed of such thoughts. After all, is it possible to be 100% ready for a new addition to the family? Someone will say that life has not changed, but someone will shout: “I haven’t seen anything beyond a diaper and a pot for two years!” We often visit some places with the baby, we flew abroad with him, and there are days when I leave him with my parents almost for the whole day. But this is no longer the same time as it was before... Previously, I belonged to myself 100%, I did what I wanted, I risked my work, relationships with people, in order to improve the quality of my life. And now I am a mother. I wasn’t ready, a year passed and now I’m not ready. I still don’t believe that I became a mother. I don’t believe it either when my child constantly says “mom mom mom”, and even when I tell my family about myself and use this word - “mom”. I'm complaining - no. I doubt and worry when I see how needed my baby is. And sometimes I'm scared. I'm afraid to make a mistake, I'm afraid to pay insufficient attention... After all, I have changed a lot. When they brought me a child in the maternity hospital, I realized that I was ready to fight in this life not for myself. For your child. No, don’t think, I’m “not a mother.” But now if guests bother us, even if they are relatives, please, it’s time to go home. If they give me incompetent advice - “no need”, and if they don’t understand “stick them up your ass”, I’d rather turn to qualified specialists. And let them be offended, but this is my child and this is my life. And with my understanding of the upbringing and maintenance of a child - at the moment I have a calm child with a good night's sleep and two good daytime ones. We only got sick once and maybe it was teeth. In general, I’m happy, but... I’m talking about how we all miss unemployed days, that fatigue that now seems to us completely laziness, and freedom in action. About how the first three to six months after birth go - hello Groundhog Day. How sometimes a couple of times a month we come to our senses and ask: “what day is it today?” “What number?” I came across the post “last time”, I knew about it and only these thoughts cover the doubts about motherhood. Holding my baby in my arms for the first time in the maternity hospital, with trembling hands, because I was afraid to drop him, and I couldn’t sit down because of the pain, I already understood that this was the last time. The last time is the first meeting and the last time my son and I are in the maternity hospital. I realized that I would need a second child, that so little time was devoted to this moment of the first meeting, these emotions. I'll need a replay. But it won’t work with this son. And everything will be the last time. With your first or second child, so you need to appreciate it, know it and live here and now. Don't rush things. After all, my son turned one year old yesterday. It's been a year since we've been together, and a lot of things have happened for the last time. It's so little and so much at the same time. The last time he all fit in my arms, the last time he fit across the crib, the last time I breastfed him, the last time he lay like a motionless little bar, the last time he lay on his tummy and raised his head, groaning. And I know that the last time is inevitable. The last time he will crawl and kiss me, the last time we will sleep together, the last time I will carry him in a towel from the bath, the last time we will walk hand in hand, the last time I will feed him from a spoon, the last time the last time we will do exercises together, the last time we will kiss goodnight, the last time I will read a book to him... but when is that last time? I don't know. But I know that you need to appreciate every “time”, in case this one turns out to be the last. And this encourages me to spend more time with my child, or maybe this is the very feeling of a mother? Girls, I know that everyone has problems and they all have global problems. Someone's got it wrong personal life, someone in finance. Someone was no longer understood, and someone stopped liking themselves. Someone was insulted in a store, while someone has a child screaming all day. We all react to different situations differently. But stop worrying, because problems are inevitable throughout life and find your warmth, care, smile and gentle hugs and give them to your child/children, here and now. Thank you for reading. Love and kindness to everyone. 😗
From this article you will learn:
Postpartum depression, fatigue, stress, lack of time for anything other than the baby - all this puts pressure on the psyche and many young mothers say to themselves: “I’m pregnant, but I’m not ready to become a mother” or “This is not for me, I feel that someone took my life from me.” Usually society condemns such women, they are told that all this will pass, but is this really so? So what should a woman who regrets her decision to have a child do?
If you look on the Internet, you can see that the overwhelming majority of conversations about motherhood come down to questions about how to get pregnant, carry, give birth and raise a child. It is difficult to find a woman who simply says: “I regret that I decided to become a mother” or “Motherhood is not for me.” But this does not mean, however, that such women do not exist and this problem has become increasingly common in recent years.
Common Myths
All conversations about pregnancy among young girls usually come down to “vanilla” pink dreams of a happy family life and beautiful obedient children who will give their parents joy. As a rule, even during pregnancy itself, a woman continues to wear rose-colored glasses, having little idea of what she will have to face in the future. real life immediately after birth.
In order to look at the root of the problem and consider how myths about a wonderful life are shattered, you can read the words of one of these mothers. Natalya I. writes: “I don’t know exactly at what time I began to regret that I decided to become a mother. The first problems began during pregnancy, but then I still did not fully understand what awaited me. That time passed as if in a pink fog. I was expecting the birth of my daughter and was sure that with her appearance everything would be just fine. Relatives and friends surrounding me smiled sweetly and promised to help.
But after the birth of my daughter, I realized that only I would have to bear the entire burden of responsibility for her, since everyone has their own affairs and concerns. My husband provided all possible help, but only after work, and I couldn’t shift caregiving problems onto him, since he needed rest after a hard day at work. At that moment, I bitterly realized that motherhood was not for me, and deep depression became my constant companion.
I couldn’t admit this to anyone, since everyone around me was convinced that it was a great joy to give birth and raise a child. But I felt everything completely differently, because my body had changed a lot and, naturally, not for the better. I simply didn’t have any free time, I couldn’t even get away once or twice a week to relax somewhere, so at first my daughter often cried, despite the fact that the doctors, after many checks, did not find any health problems.
It didn't get any better. She grew up a little and began to show such hyper activity that her parents could not stand with her for more than an hour. Then I realized that my child, in fact, was not needed by anyone except me. The obvious solution was to wait for time to fix everything. First, I waited until she started walking, then talking, then until she began to understand everything. But this time was irretrievably lost for me, and life is so fleeting..."
How to be
Women like Natalya I. cannot withstand the burden of responsibilities that suddenly falls on them. At this moment they become depressed, which often affects the child’s psyche. Are these women to blame? Not at all, it’s just that a new side of their own personality has opened up for them - motherhood is not for them. Is there a way out of this situation? Sometimes you hear the classic advice that in such cases you need to talk to someone, but will that really help?
Natalya I. once tried to talk about her feelings with her best friend, the mother of two children. As a result, as Natalya herself says: “I quickly regretted my decision to open up, because I immediately noticed that my friend did not understand at all what I meant. She asked me what she would do if she could go back in time? Would I choose a life without Sofia (that's my daughter's name)?
I saw that this conversation was disgusting for her, and for me too. I couldn't explain exactly what I was feeling. Of course, I love my daughter, now I have her and I will not give her to anyone. But, if I had not decided to take such a step then, perhaps now I would be happier, and this thought often haunts me. I know for sure that I will not agree to a second child, but I did not tell my friend about this, simply saying: “I am apparently tired and cannot express my thoughts correctly. Let's drop this topic." That's how I got stuck inside with a feeling of complete alienation.
Bad mother
Mothers who feel like Natalya I very often hear accusations about how bad they are. But most often, these statements come... from ourselves. As Natalya reports: “I constantly feel bad, and it seems to me that everyone around me sees what a bad mother I am. On the one hand, I miss my independent life, sometimes I fantasize about how everything would have been if Sophia had not been born, what I would be doing now and where I would be. Sometimes I fantasize about being in India, visiting spice and aromatic oil stores without worrying about whether I brought wet wipes to wipe my daughter's mouth. And then I feel guilty. The thought of imagining life without a child fills me with fear and shame.”
Usually, when women hear about such mothers who sincerely admit their disappointment in having children, they make the latter victims of verbal attacks. As a rule, it is stated that if a mother did not want to have a child, then she is a bad mother. But this is not always the case. In most cases, those women who regret giving birth to a child try to compensate for their guilt by treating their children very well. There are, of course, exceptions, but still the guilt of giving birth to a child who did not ask for it makes such women very good and fair mothers.
As Natalya herself says: “It’s impossible to say that I don’t love Sofia. I play with her, tell stories, read fairy tales and much more. But very often I feel an internal protest. For example, while on the playground, I am haunted by thoughts: “God, what am I doing here, how long will this take? Where is my old life?
Way out of the situation
It turns out that women who are not ready to become a mother, but still did it, live in an atmosphere of remorse and anticipation that the child will finally grow up. That is, it will provide an opportunity to return to previous activities, to become independent again, which will allow you to get rid of the feeling of deprivation of freedom and loss of precious time.
Is there a ready-made solution to reduce negative feelings? Of course, first of all, you need to come to terms with the idea that the old life will not return, and you need to look for moments of happiness and freedom in the present. Sometimes the solution may be to create a blog or write a book. An interesting hobby or job that doesn’t take up a lot of time and can be done at home helps. Sometimes, if the opportunity arises, a trip somewhere alone saves you, which is needed to recharge and restore yourself. If it is difficult to find a way out of the situation on your own, it is worth contacting a psychologist who will professionally help restore internal harmony and get rid of obsessive thoughts.
Bottom line
Those women who feel unprepared for the role of mother need to know that they are not alone. Although society usually condemns such statements, our planet is so beautiful because it consists of diverse personalities. Accordingly, you should not plunge into depression, but you need to find peace within yourself and raise a child worthy person so that the pride of realizing the importance of this mission will help to cope with the difficult years after childbirth.
We'll agree right away. When we declare our readiness to give birth, we mean that we have become mature people and are able to devote our lives to another. This means that we have already realized ourselves and can now become a “means” to meet the child’s needs. But if we understand that we are not yet ready to give, we do not want and do not know how to do it, then it is too early to talk about procreation. We still have to grow up ourselves.
Mom wants grandchildren
You have been married for the second year, you have your own apartment, and you hate inviting your parents to your home. The thing is that as soon as mom and dad come to visit, conversations begin: “you’ve already lived for yourself...”, “it’s time to take care of the appearance of heirs.” At first, parents only hinted, then they were offended, and recently they sympathetically suggested taking care of reproductive health.
Kate(30) received a long-awaited promotion. She was appointed marketing director. “Now you can shift the whole routine onto your subordinates,” her husband responded to this news. “And we will finally be able to give birth to a son.” Katya didn't want a son. That is, I wanted to, but not now. But she didn’t argue. Moreover, the “grandmothers” have more than once expressed their readiness to take all the care of the child upon themselves. The main thing is to give birth. It took a year and a half and two miscarriages to understand: Katya is not ready to have children. And at work I have not yet reached the ceiling. That's not even the main thing. Teenage resistance has turned on - you want everything, but I don’t want it! And you won't force me.
What should I do? The thing is that modern boys and girls grow up later than their parents. This is largely due to the fact that now readiness for social life is formed later than a quarter of a century ago. You need to know and be able to do the most: get additional education, make a career, create a financial base in order to consider yourself an adult. And inner maturity comes much later. But then fear arises: I’m 28 years old, I don’t have children yet, what will happen next? A situation arises when it is time to give birth due to age, but there is no readiness. And here psychologists can give only one piece of advice - wait.
Where will the child live?
Previously, in Russian culture, as in any traditional culture, a place for a baby was determined when building a house. Moreover, this place was the main one. For example, when they built a hut, a hole was made in the main beam of the house (matitsa) into which a hook for the cradle was inserted. And now you should have an understanding of where your unborn child will live before pregnancy.
Alice(28) I lived with my mother in a two-room apartment. She had a partner, but they had no intention of getting married. And so Alice decided that she wanted a child. There were all the conditions for this, but it was impossible to get pregnant. When she, together with a psychotherapist, began to understand the problem, it turned out that there was no room for the child in the apartment. That is, there is a suitable corner in Alice’s room, but now a ficus lives there. She grew it from a small sprout to a large tree (in fact, in this family there was a ficus instead of a child). And now, if you put up a crib, what to do with the ficus? Alice had an idea to put it in her mother's room. But mom objected. It was a shame to throw away the tree; after all, it was grown with my own hands. The psychotherapist suggested that Alice make a plan on how to send the ficus into a big life. When the decision to release the plant into the wild was made, Alice’s friend called and said that she really needed a large flower for her new office. And doesn’t Alice finally want to get rid of her ficus? It must be said that such coincidences in the course of psychotherapeutic work are not uncommon. And only after the ficus was transported did pregnancy occur.
What should I do? When thinking about your readiness to become a mother, think about whether there is room in your apartment or room for a child. And when organizing space for him, remember that the crib should be in a bright, warm corner without drafts. It is necessary to ensure free and convenient access to it. The crib should have a view of the entire room so that the baby can watch his mother. Having decided to convert your ultra-modern studio into an ordinary two-room apartment, where it will be convenient for your child, you will stop wondering about your readiness to be a mother.
Will the child interfere with my plans?
Friends unexpectedly invited you to Kyiv for the weekend? No problem, an hour to get ready - and now you’re already at the station. Have you organized Italian cooking courses at work? It doesn’t matter that you don’t come home before eleven in the evening. Don't miss out on this kind of entertainment! And thinking that it’s time to have children, you willy-nilly compare your current life, full of impressions, with sitting at home around the clock, surrounded by dirty diapers.
Anya(26) was sure that she had chosen best time for the birth of a child. She was going to write a dissertation and at the same time get pregnant - anyway, sit at home, why waste time? Anya was filling out documents for graduate school and at the same time preparing for IVF. Between the puncture and the egg transfer, she was going to get a review of the abstract of her dissertation. Need I remind you that this is a rather nervous procedure. You need to formulate your position and defend it to the reviewer. It is not yet clear what he will say. And it turned out that Anya focused not on having a child, not on accepting her body (since she had to do IVF, that means there were problems with this), but on her dissertation. This became the main thing.
What should I do? It just so happens that we consider work, travel, and hobbies to be right things, characteristic of developed individuals. Devoting yourself to raising a child means turning into a house chicken - barefoot, in the kitchen, in an apron. Meanwhile, working as a mother is the most creative of all possible. Childhood experiences and feelings are all a product of mother’s work. And this activity is much more exciting than any other. And most importantly, the result is much higher quality.
Such words do not sound convincing to you? Maybe you should talk to a psychologist about this. Or with a close friend who has children. Ask what exactly she gained with the birth of her child. After all, no matter what you think now, but with the appearance of children in your life, you will not lose anything, but will only gain.
Ah-ah-ah. What should I do with it!!!
You have a husband, an apartment, a stable income and a willingness to devote at least the next three years of your life to your child. But you have no idea how to care for him. How to breastfeed, swaddle, bathe, how to calm him down, how to talk to him and what to do so that he does not grow up spoiled or overly uptight? All these questions confuse you. Raising a child is so difficult!
What should I do? A child develops through communication. Previously, proper communication skills were passed down in the family. But now you have to specially learn this. You need to gain a lot of knowledge about caring for and raising a baby. After all, we start educating from the very beginning: we encourage some things, prohibit others. Preparation courses for childbirth and parenthood will help you create a program of action. You should choose according to the recommendations. If there are no credible courses in your city, try to spend more time visiting friends who already have children. Observe, ask questions and, of course, read books. You will begin to understand what's what. And the fear of the unknown will recede.
Oh I'm afraid , I'm afraid, I'm afraid
1. The hit parade of women's fears before pregnancy opens with fear ruin your figure. Interestingly, this fear arose relatively recently. Previously, only professional ballerinas and actresses experienced it. And, for example, now every fourth English woman (a survey conducted by the British Grazia) speaks of her reluctance to have children for fear of getting fat. And what’s interesting. The sizes and shapes of cowardly girls are not necessarily similar to those of models. It's all about a woman's specific attitude towards her body. It is perceived as a precious shell that cannot be damaged under any circumstances.
2. Another common fear is the fear of babysitting. become stupid. However, as American scientists have found, women become smarter during pregnancy. Under the influence of hormonal changes in the body, the number of synaptic connections between nerve cells increases - and we begin to think faster. And after childbirth, when it is necessary to carry out several urgent matters at the same time, the brain of a young mother works much more intensely than that of a production director.
3. Fear closes the top three ruin your relationship with your husband. Most often, this fear is masked with a mantra: with the birth of a child, nothing will change in our relationship and we will love each other just the same. Will change. And we need to understand how and be prepared for this. In a couple, a man and a woman live for each other. When children appear, they become partners, that is, they unite to perform one common task - meeting the needs of the child.
Trainings
Travel to the country of Parenthood We learn many things in life, but we are not taught how to be parents. During the training, you and your partner will learn what kind of parents you will be, what you expect from your child and what he expects from you. You will be able to see the difficulties that you will encounter, and you will develop ways of interacting as a couple: mom - dad. You will build your own individual plan for preparing for the role of mother. The training is intended for couples preparing to conceive or already expecting a child, as well as parents of small children. Duration of the training: 3 sessions, 3 hours each. www.perinatalpsy.ru
I know and I can The name of the training very accurately defines its essence. After it you really get the feeling that you know everything about a small child and can do everything with him. Obstetricians and gynecologists will help you prepare for childbirth. Psychologists will talk about the rules of communication with newborns. Pediatricians - how to care for children, for example: how to bathe or clean the ears of a two-day-old baby. Classes are designed for expectant mothers in the second trimester of pregnancy. The presence of dads is welcome. The duration of the training is 14 lessons, 3 hours each. www.semiaplus.ru
What to read
A. McMahon “All about the birth of a child”
Friendly answers to all questions and fears that may arise during pregnancy. However, the book can also be read by those who are just preparing to conceive, so that fears do not arise.
G. G. Filippova, E. Yu. Pechnikova, E. I. Zakharova “Pregnancy”
Desk aid for pregnant women. Useful for absolutely everyone and necessary for those who live in small towns where there is no opportunity to receive qualified psychological help.
I.V. Dobryakov. “How to give birth to a healthy child. Guide for future parents"
A book about how life begins and what happens to a pregnant woman is worth reading to gain confidence and psychological comfort before giving birth.
Photo: Vostok Photo(1),GettyImages/Fotobank.ru
Hello! My name is Irina. I am 25 years old. I have been married for almost 3 years. I recently left a job that I hated. I never had a desire to have children. That is, it seemed to be the case, in the sense that children were planned sometime in the distant future. When I was 20 years old, I thought that by the age of 25 I would just grow up, my maternal instinct would awaken, and I would want a child. But now, I am already 25, even almost 26 years old, but the desire to have a child has not appeared. The problem is that I am already pregnant - the third month, the pregnancy is unplanned. Terminating the pregnancy was initially out of the question, since I am against abortion, and I would not have raised my hand to kill my own child. But I realized that I was absolutely not ready for the fact that I would soon become a mother. I am not ready for the fact that I will have to devote all of myself to the child, not get enough sleep at night, and such responsibility scares me. Because of this, I am constantly in a bad mood, I often cry, I get nervous, I began to quarrel with my husband often, as I have become somehow very sensitive, and I react violently to everything, even if he told me something in the wrong tone. I don’t even know if I love my unborn child, because I don’t feel any joy from the fact that I will soon have him. On the contrary, it seems to me that my life is over. That I no longer belong to myself. At the same time, I worry about the child, and I want everything to be okay with him. Such conflicting feelings. Everything is aggravated by the fact that I have toxicosis, so I constantly feel sick, besides, I often have a headache, and for some reason I get tired quickly, and household chores have become a burden to me. My husband helps me around the house, not always, of course, but he tries. But it upsets me that he pays little attention to me, and his attitude towards me has not changed. I hoped that now that I was pregnant, he would take more care of me, be more interested in my well-being, and show understanding that I might have mood swings. Besides, he was the one who always wanted a child. But he doesn’t seem to understand what I need from him, even though I talked to him about this topic. As soon as I cry, instead of calming me down, he begins to get angry, because it seems to him that he is to blame for my tears. And his attitude makes me feel even worse. He later apologizes for his behavior, but I don’t need his apology, I need his understanding and support. In general, to sum it all up, I feel very bad now, more morally than physically. I can’t sleep for a long time at night because of all these thoughts that my life will soon change dramatically, that I will have almost no free time, that it’s as if I’m already tied hand and foot with responsibility for the child, and also thoughts about can I become a good mother, will I love my child, when will he be born, etc. - this all haunts me. I feel like a selfish person who only thinks about herself. Although, I think, most women who have children would call me that, because for everyone normal women pregnancy and the birth of a child is a great joy, for some it is also very long-awaited, but not for me. I don't know what to do. How to calm down and stop being nervous about all this. I feel terribly unhappy and depressed. I also often experience apathy towards everything: I don’t want anything, and nothing makes me happy. Please help me figure all this out. Tell me how I can cope with all these feelings and emotions, otherwise I don’t know what to do anymore.
On a summer morning, I was sitting at my laptop, sipping a latte, and suddenly I froze - I don’t remember the last time I had my period. During my lunch break, I bought a pack of tests and took the test. Positive.
I spent the rest of the day in a dazed state. It seemed that I had learned important news, but about someone else. I couldn't believe that I was pregnant and that I was going to have a baby. I didn't know how to tell my husband about this, so I bought a Happy Father's Day card. I texted him: “come soon” and did another test.
Half an hour later my husband came home, I handed him a postcard. He looked at me in surprise. I was silent. He read my text on the card - “Waiting.” “It can’t be,” he said. I passed two positive tests.
Attitude towards pregnancy
I am a middle-class, married woman of thirty, and pregnancy should have sent me over the moon. I didn't want a child now. I was torn by conflicting feelings, but I understood that I shouldn’t show doubts about the child. Society believes that there are only two types of women.
If you belong to the first type, a child is your highest goal, your main priority. The purpose of your existence comes down to serving this restless bag. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week you should be in seventh heaven. You can easily give up your job and hobbies to look after your child around the clock. To people who do not have children, say dismissively: “You have no idea what true love is.”
The second option is that you experience rejection, fear, sadness, despair, and do not feel the strength to give birth and raise a child. There's something wrong with you. Maybe you've lost touch with your feminine side? Maybe your parents paid little attention to you as a child? Is your relationship falling apart? Do you want to live for yourself? Choose for yourself.
This black and white approach is unfair, but it reflects the real attitude of society. Any worthy woman should give life, this is our main goal in life.
Motherhood for adult women who own their own home and have no student loans. The thought of having a child never even crossed my mind.
I assumed that someday I would become a mother, but not so soon. I love to travel, drink whiskey and strong coffee, do yoga, run ten kilometers and even swear. Motherhood is something distant and unfamiliar to me. Motherhood is for adult women who own their own home and have no student loans. The thought of having a child never even crossed my mind.
Partly I wanted to play the role of a responsible pregnant woman. I tried to listen to advice, discuss the advantages and disadvantages of epidural anesthesia, and discuss different brands of diapers. I understood that pregnancy was a popular topic of conversation, like getting engaged or preparing for a wedding. Most people started the conversation with good intentions to show their interest and support.
But, to be honest, I didn't care about all this. I wanted the child to be born healthy. I looked after myself and hoped for the best. But I wasn’t interested in the details, so I felt guilty. Will I be a bad mom? Will the universe punish me for being ungrateful? Many women desperately want to be in my place, why did I get pregnant?
Increased attention
I was inundated with questions and comments regarding pregnancy.
“How is the baby?” - the future grandparents purred, stroking my belly. "How do you feel?" - asked friends from the yoga studio. “Mommy brain,” a colleague joked when I forgot to take the necessary papers to a meeting. This continued over and over again. First, people would look at my belly to see how quickly I was gaining weight, then they would give me advice or ask questions about having a baby.
This practically did not concern my husband. They simply told him - congratulations. He wasn't bombarded with questions like: Are you looking for a new home? How long will you stay at home after the baby is born? Will you have an epidural? Are you drawn to strange tastes? Don't you go to the gym anymore? Can you have some coffee? How much have you already gained? Feeling sick in the morning? Have you already chosen a kindergarten?
I was confused by the advice. Gain weight, but not too much. Blame it on hormones, but don't go crazy
I was also confused by the advice. Gain weight, but not too much. Blame it on hormones, but don't go crazy. Get plenty of rest, but give 150% in the office. Focus on the baby, but stay sexy for your partner. Start saving for college, but only buy organic food. Choose a name that is rare, but not strange. Remember that the main thing is the child.
I'm tired of this. This does not seem to have happened to other pregnant women. They were not annoyed by the flow of comments. I regretted the lost life, the opportunity to be an independent unit. I knew things would change with the birth of my baby, but I didn't expect to feel so isolated, lonely, and afraid before my baby was born.
Mixed feelings
At the end of the second trimester check-up, the midwife asked how everything was going. I chose the answer “fine”. I was afraid that she would judge me, consider me pathetic, ridiculous or ungrateful. My nerves were on edge. As soon as I ran out of the hospital, I burst into tears. I got into the car and called my mom.
I hate pregnancy, but I love the baby. I'm scared that I'll be a bad mom
“I hate pregnancy, but I love the baby. I'm scared that I'll be a bad mom. There were a lot of pregnant women in the hospital - they all know what they are doing. I just want to get my body back and drink wine. I'm sick of everyone constantly asking how I'm feeling."
Mom said: “Honey, this is a normal reaction if you were not ready for pregnancy.”
That's the problem - I wasn't ready. I was recently married, trying to advance my career, achieving my life goals and trying to make my dreams come true. Suddenly the child ruined the well-thought-out plan. No wonder I was scared.
Overthrowing stereotypes
I would like to say that at some point everything passed - I accepted future motherhood, got rid of indecision and joyfully waited for the birth. But that's not true, instead I was just trying to come to terms with it.
I stopped suppressing unwanted emotions and allowed them to come over me: sadness, gratitude, despair, joy, grief. I let them grow until they burst and disappeared.
If you don't know if you want a baby and aren't excited about pregnancy, that's okay.
I dropped external expectations - expensive maternity clothes, luxury nurseries, journaling, articles and books on motherhood, the right toys, what is right and what is wrong. I found other examples for myself. I met women who spoke candidly about the hardships of motherhood. They weren't jumping with excitement about the pregnancy, but they weren't worried about it. In addition to the child, they have personal interests and their own life, and they do not consider themselves selfish.
I began to answer the truth when asked how I felt. To my surprise, women shared their stories of overcoming the same problems. I realized that I am not alone in my difficulties. I cut myself some slack and felt better.
Confusion is normal
A year ago, I couldn’t imagine that I would get pregnant, give birth to a child, or become a mother. Now my life is not what I imagined. We often underestimate the pain and discomfort that others go through. We immediately want to move on to a happy ending where everything is nice and under control.
If you don't know if you want a baby and you're not excited about pregnancy, that's okay. If you hate pregnancy, but love the end result - a child. You may experience wide range emotions while you prepare to give the world a new person, and in the process of raising you can openly talk about your ups and downs. Don't be afraid of being judged.